A Wish for Ashley

Tomorrow morning, watch the CBS Early Show and look out for A Wish for Ashley-ers!!! They’ll be wearing black ‘Will McFarland/ A Wish for Ashley’ baseball caps and holding some great signs.  Fingers crossed our girls get interviewed!!!

Sister Two and a crew of kind souls who have taken pity on me and my obsessive quest with granting Will’s wish and finding Ashley will brave the cold NYC morning to meet at 645am in preparation for the Jimmy Fund Walk promo spot.  Kind souls, I am so, so, so appreciative of your going out on a limb like this for me and my family.  You’re all amazing. Thank you so much, this means a lot to me.  

With love (and regret that I’m stuck in Boston and can’t join you),

Audra

Turns out this Jimmy Fund Walk thing could bring us more publicity than originally anticipated, but only if you help!

We have an opportunity to be on TV this coming Tuesday morning (9/1) but only if we can all mobilize in record time! If you are in the NYC area and are willing to give a few hours Tuesday morning to the cause of promoting the Jimmy Fund Walk and getting A Wish for Ashley in front of thousands of TV viewers email me ASAP at audra@awishforashley.com.  I will respond to all emails with more details about the appearance!!! PLEASE HELP!!!!

If I’ve ever trapped you in a conversation, you’ve probably heard me rant/vent/pontificate on and on and on about racial, socioeconomic and educational disparity.  But what do you expect?  I’m a child of the multi-race and the multi-classed. Is it a wonder that “passing” is my favorite sport?  For all the opinions I have on such issues, people often question why I’m not interested in politics/policy/research.  I usually reply that I’m more interested in the individual experience than the high-level examination.  True statement.  However, it’s also because politics/policy/research is sloooooooow.  Really? Why sit around and debate/talk/write/investigate for years and years and years on end when you could well, act.  Rah rah, respond back with the need for strategic approaches.  I acknowledge the need for rational, thoughtful, calculated plans.  Have I not proven that with my website/facebook page/twitter page/email blasts/Jimmy Fund Team? HA!  Strategize all you want. But can you speed it up a little?

Why this dribble about the slooooow nature about politics and bureaucracy?  Well, because this great lead I keep referring to is connected to The Man.  And while The Man can no doubt get A Wish for Ashley places that, well, the everyday Joe the Plumber can’t (I’m not sure why his image just came into my mind… hmmm I really should stop drinking so much coffee…), The Man is sloooooooow.  My timeline for A Wish for Ashley involves finding Ashley, erm, yesterday.  The Man’s timeline for helping with the effort is running in a parallel timewrap where ‘with all deliberate speed’ could mean years of waiting.  

Then again, now sitting on top of The Man is THE Man: President Obama.  Maybe I should be trying to get this message out to him. As a fellow multi-raced, multi-classed individual, perhaps he would share my impatience and get things moving a wee bit faster.  First the Jimmy Fund Walk, then the White House.  Why not?

With love (and a wee bit of sarcasm),

Audra

Last week I received my Official Team Captain Jimmy Fund Walk Event Handbook.  Upon seeing it in my mail pile I thought:

1)    Wow, I’ve never been a Team Captain of anything before! There’s a reason for that.
2)    Umm, you expect me to read a handbook? On principle I ignore handbooks. I was raised to ‘break the system.’
3)    WTF did I get myself into?!  I’m not going to survive.  

However, I decided that if I’m going to be an effective Team Captain, I should probably educate myself.  That reasoning prompted me to sacrifice my integrity and actually open the handbook.  How hard can this walk actually be?  I talked myself down off the ledge and began to read.  The 'Who We Are' description was sweet.  The 'Why We Walk' feature was tear jerking, really.  The 'fundraising information' section?  Piece of cake.  I am, after all, a professional.  The 'Walking as a team' tutorial?  Well I started one, joined one and am working to expand one.  The author of the handbook would be proud.  Then I got to the page entitled “Training Tips: Tips to Walk Like a Winner.”  Written by Jack Fultz, who apparently won the 1976 Boston Marathon, walkers should:

Buy a good pair of properly fitted shoes and avoid cotton socks that absorb moisture and cause blisters.  

My best pair of properly fitted shoes are four inch platform Mary Jane pumps.  That I wear with shiny tights.  Will those work?

Set weekly goals or follow a training program to correspond to your Walk day distance.

Ummm… does walking to and from my car into Dunkin Donuts to buy an XL coffee count as a training program? I swear, I’ll park more than six spaces from the door.

Start slowly and take short walks very regularly.

Slow walkers are wimps.  I will never, EVER, be mistaken for doing the ‘southern mosey.’  I will sooner crawl.

Share your goals with others and find a training partner.  This will help you maintain a high level of motivation and enhance your “fun factor.”  

Hmmm… I need me one of those.

So of course I thought of Sister #2, my go-to partner-in-crime.  She had signed onto our Will McFarland/A Wish for Ashley team and was the obvious choice to be my training partner (with the help of technology to cover the states we live away from each other).  We shared our goals… and sketched out a plan to ensure we stay highly motivated… by heckling each other.  We leave each other voicemails, text messages, and emails taunting the other and suggesting she hit up her “friendly neighborhood gym.”  People pay thousands of dollars to trainers to stay motivated (hey, I don’t knock it- you do great work, mom!) but let me tell you, nothing is more motivating than your phone beeping with cryptic messages like ‘It’s 6pm. Do you know where your gym shoes are?’  

I’m 7 days into 7 consecutive visits to the gym in a row (a lifetime record).  I’m beginning to think that I just might barely survive the walk.  And if I don’t, I can add ‘Team Captain,’ ‘Read a Handbook,’ and ‘Walked Long Distance in High Heels and Shiny Tights’ to my bucket list.  However, really what I’m looking to add to that list right now is ‘Found my Long Lost Cousin and Fulfilled my Uncle’s Last Wish.’ So stay tuned for information on how this walk will help us do just that…

With love (and a resolve to get up now and go to the gym to make for Day 8),

Audra  

When we were little, my mom ran a Soviet regime.  As the children in her household, there were high standards for personal presentation (Ms. Desmond? I know everyone else has to wipe down the lunch tables, but I can’t.  My mom will be very, very angry if I get my purple leather miniskirt dirty), academic achievement (Mrs. Cupp… sob… that is A+ work.  I am not an A student, I’m an A+ student, damnit!) professional prowess (there are how many other kids auditioning for this campaign? Let me save you some time- your search is officially over) and nutritional balance (Why am I grounded Mrs. Mullen?  Well, I ate four M&Ms without asking.  Yes, my mom did count them).  It’s no wonder that 20+ years later Sister One takes 3 hours to get ready to leave the house, I have panic attacks if someone so much as even thinks about not giving me a perfect review, and Sister Two believes that M&Ms are worth the guilt of breaking any diet and exercise plan.  The Berlin Wall may have fallen but the era it represented did not instantaneously dissipate.

Enter: Cake for Breakfast.  This past weekend, the change in my mom’s household could not have been more apparent than her serving me up birthday cake for breakfast. And lunch. And dinner.  All while ensuring I had a men’s XXL sweatshirt to dress up in while eating said cake and watching the fabulously bad show NYC Prep.  So much for nutritional balance. And intellectual development. And personal appearances.  But it’s a whole new era now.  She no longer runs a regime because she’s war torn; tested.  She has mourned the loss of both her brothers in the past two years; she has reprioritized bigger things over little details.  The impact on the rest of us is just as striking.  The result is that we have gotten closer.  We use to joke around that our family motto should be “life’s a bitch, be its pimp.”  Nowadays, it couldn’t be more true.

My Uncles are in the dining room.  I ate some cake with them this weekend.  Just me, a room splashed with black and white furniture, two urns and two portraits.  Cake for breakfast; because family matters, and the separation of heaven and earth become little details.  Ashley is only miles away.  Maybe far away or maybe real nearby.  She may remember the Soviet era.  She’ll laugh at the new regime.  I hope that one day she’ll join me in the dining room.  Let them eat cake.

Ashley, we miss you.  And the wall comes tumbling down.

With love (and recognition that it’s past my bedtime),

Audra  

It’s hard to believe that it has been 10 weeks since Will passed away.  It seems my phase of denial grayed out about 6 weeks, vacation distracted me for 2 and now that real life has begun again, that leaves about a 2 week distance from that day in my mind.  But even in that short time, I’ve learned I’m not nearly as strong as I always thought I was and not nearly as good at compartmentalizing my emotions as I use to be.  Very unsettling for a person who strives to intellectualize her personal experience rather than, well, experience her personal experience.  Being away from the people you love is never fun.  I’ve been learning a lot about that.

Tomorrow my family will celebrate Brother’s 19th birthday and I know that for me it’ll be a difficult occasion.  I can still picture Will at Brother’s 18th birthday party with his chemo-bloated face, stashing Snickers bars behind the wet bar to ensure we had something to snack on after the teenagers feasted.  To see my baby brother become that much more of an adult, to think about what he saw and experienced this past year and to recall the times our roles reversed, and he became the reassuring figure, squeezing my hand tight when there was no one else to hold it, I wish I could have sheltered him from that.  But at the same time, his strength and the depths to which he loves others are what make me so proud of him. 

People have asked me what I will do if we find Ashley and she is not living the life of the triumphant former foster child, now on top of the world.  Really?  This is not a Lifetime made for TV movie. I know what the statistics on children growing up in foster care look like.  What would I do if she is nothing like my siblings and I, what would I do if she is angry at us, having never understood why no longer could see her anymore, what would I do if she does not want us in her life?   In five days time, my mom and I will learn more information on this lead I can’t yet give you details about; in five days time I may have to think more critically about what my answers to those questions will be.  I have a feeling that like Brother, I will wish I could have sheltered Ashley from any challenging experiences.  However, one of the things I’m learning about being away from the people you love is that you have to have confidence in their character and that bond that time and space can never shake.  No matter the extent to which she wants us in her life, Ashley will always be a part of my life.  Just as Will is forever imprinted in my everyday, loving me, inspiring me and pushing me through each difficult day, Ashley is forever imprinted in my heart. 

With love (and a big early Happy Birthday to the bestest little brother in the world),

Audra

Cancer sucks.   I haven’t had it (knock on wood) but I hear it’s not fun.  My Uncle Will put up an incredible fight when he was first diagnosed with Prostate cancer (that’s all you got?) and later bone cancer (ok, ignore mocking of previous challenge).  Formidable opponents… but Will was an extraordinary contender.  For each ‘you have X amount of time to live’ prediction, he kicked butt and surpassed the estimate by months, weeks and days.  While he received a great amount of support and cheerleading from my family and his close friends, he couldn’t have done it without the people at Dana Farber Cancer Institute.  Sure, I was angry for months on end that they couldn’t cure him, but now I am grateful to them for granting us the amount of time to be with him that they did.

So when my friend-since-first-grade Janis mentioned to me that she’s participating in the upcoming Jimmy Fund Walk, she got me thinking.  The Jimmy Fund Walk raises money for cancer research at Dana Farber… and considering what we put Dana Farber through during Will’s extended stays (are you sure you’re watching his meds? Really sure? No, I think we know what we’re doing more than you do, let me have a look at that… really, you expect him to eat this? He should be eating nutritious meals? No, I think he wants a surf and turf platter- oh look we brought one with us!  That’s pudding?  I don’t think so.  And even so, pudding is not dessert.  No, let me run downstairs to Au Bon Pain and get him a cookie…) I think we owe them.  And really there are only three things that could get me, Miss-I-finagled-every-medical-excuse-in-the-book-to-get-out-of-running-or-walking-the-mile-in middle-school, to agree to walk 13.1 miles:  1) guilt, 2) Will and 3) Ashley.  Therefore drum roll please I am officially announcing the formation of the Will McFarland / A Wish for Ashley Jimmy Fund Walk team!!!  

So if you’re thinking, hmmm… I’m guilty/want to honor Will/need to work off summer ice cream/want to exploit this opportunity to shamelessly advertize A Wish for Ashley/am curious about who this Audra girl is and want to meet her, the mother, Sister Two (sorry, Sister One is across the country and might have to be a Virtual Walker), Brother or ZAK! WILL’S DOG!… join our team and walk with us on September 13th!  Mind you, Mother, Sister Two, Brother and Zak have not yet volunteered yet to participate, but like how I’ve thrown them under the bus here?  Yes the course is ridiculously long but you can join it for any distance (and I promise I won’t heckle you if you can only do 1 mile… I’ll probably be begging you for a piggy back).  I’ve told you my family is crazy, so therefore in this circumstance I can guarantee you a good time.  I have no doubt our lot will be dancing and singing during most of the experience- can you find more fun on a Sunday morning?  I think not.  

Or, if the idea of meeting/walking/dancing/singing with our sure-to-be certifiable crew terrifies you, you can at least dissipate some of that guilt/honor Will/promote A Wish for Ashley by donating to our team’s fundraising efforts.  To join or donate check out our team page here: www.jimmyfundwalk.org/willandashley.  

In the meantime, I will be hitting the gym and peer-pressuring my family and friends into participating in some fashion.  Ooooooh and designing special team wear!!!  Like I said, shameless advertising opportunity…

With love (and gratitude that Fake Stepdad has signed up to join me in the walk if all my other family members turn me down),

Audra

I just returned after a weekend in Martha’s Vineyard with a new friend, my mom and my “fake stepdad.”  For many reasons, it was a great little escape.  After my last post on Find a Mixed Person, let me suggest that if you need practice, head to the Vineyard:  It’s like a mixed person mecca!   No Ashley sighted, unfortunately, but I have reason to be optimistic that she may be in the future.  Note to self: stop leaving your glasses in the car.  You may actually spot her from 30 feet away if you could see shapes that are 30 feet away. 

As of the end of last week, my mom and I received some very promising information from some ‘A Wish for Ashley’ helpers.  I apologize that I cannot go into detail about the nature of this lead (I promise, I will post the detailed update as soon as I have the ‘ok!’) but I will say that because of this lead, this weekend was the first time in a long time that I didn’t feel that achy, totally cliché, ‘a part of me is missing’ feeling (yeah, I promise the old me is vomiting that I am writing this; but c’mon people don’t judge- I’m grieving here!) that has settled in my stomach since Will left us on June 1st.  No, it wasn’t because I was filling that stomach vacancy with Lotsa Dough ice cream from Mad Martha’s (no, I think that all went straight to my thighs, not the empty pit in my stomach).  More so, it was the fact that instead my stomach was filled with certainty that we’re going to find Ashley… and perhaps sooner rather than later.  

Now, don’t read this wrong and think I’m trying to fill the void left by Will with the presence of Ashley.  You want to psychoanalyze me?  Oh no, don't even try it; I can run circles around you when it comes to psychobabble.  Just call me Dr. Phil.  On the contrary, I’m recognizing that family is what makes me feel whole, and Ashley has always been a part of that equation.  I don’t know what I would do without my mom’s spirit and all-around irrationality, Sister One’s optimism, emotion and consistency (she’s consistently slow... “as slow as molasses coming out of a jar”), Sister Two’s direct nature, abandon and attitude towards life (YEAH! Oh YEAH!) and Brother’s affection, mature insight and general ability to always be a loveable asshole.  Will with his charisma, sense of humor and compassion, has always taken a spot near my intestines, and Ashley, the little girl with the perspective, spirit and incredible capacity to love and inspire others, has held her own since her birth somewhere next to my spleen.  Is it any wonder I avoid doctors at all costs? There’s a party in my pelvis…what can you do?!!!  I’m not religious in any organized-sit-in-a-pew-on-a-Sunday sense, but I feel like everything that has transpired in the past three years has led us to this: finding the girl who, since February 20, 1988, was always in our hearts Sister Four.  

Thanks for all you’re doing to help grant this wish.  If we all keep it up, we will find her.

With love (and a stomach full of ice cream and butterflies as we get one step closer to finding Ashley),

Audra