A Wish for Ashley

I’ve always been the type of person to set a big goal, work to (hopefully) achieve it, and rather than celebrate get caught up in analysis of all the things along the way that I did wrong or could have done better.  When I was in the fifth grade my friend Holly and I decided we should “do good”… so we decided we would plan a school wide bake sale and donate the proceeds to a local food pantry.  We asked all our fellow Student Council members to support the sale by either signing up to bring in a baked good or donating $3 so that we could get supplies to bake more goods.  We ended up with a lot of cash (by fifth grade standards) and Holly and I walked excitedly to Market Basket to buy brownie mix, chocolate chips, and Rice Krispies.  We wanted to do this all on our own.  We marched our supplies straight into the kitchen and without considering that neither of us had ever baked before  we got to work.  Rice Krispies Treats seemed easy enough to start.  3 tablespoons of butter, melted.  Add marshmallows.  No problem.  Holly and I unwrapped 3 sticks of butter, waited until it turned into soup and dumped in the marshmallows.  Now, the neon yellow color of the mixture, and the resulting florescent color of the end product marshmellow treats should have been a tip off that perhaps 3 tablespoons of butter was not the equivalent of three sticks of butter.  But no, we thought we could do anything.  Surely the treats were suppose to be yellow.  We kept with that mentality until my mom came in to check on us… and flipped out.  We were banned from the kitchen, she finished the rest of the baking.

Our bake sale was a success… .again, by fifth grade standards.  We made $257 for the food pantry, and landed in the Lawrence Eagle Tribune newspaper (as it was named then), smiling while standing behind plates of cookies.  However, when I remember that experience, I don’t remember the success and the (local) glory. I remember that we failed at making Rice Krispie Treats that wouldn’t immediately clog an artery; I remember that we didn’t accomplish our goal of doing it all on our own.  My mom finished the baking.

Through this whole A Wish for Ashley project, I have had to stay acutely aware of my tendency to get caught up in my failures.  Why did I not try X to find Ashley when I was search 6 years ago?  Why did I not think to talk to Y person about this potential link to Ashley before?  My Ashley Helpers and all other A Wish for Ashley-ers are great about distracting me from focusing on the little things I could have done differently because they are always offering ideas and help that get me to look ahead.  There are peaks and valleys.  There are Rice Krispies Treats I’ll never be able to bake, and Ashley search strategies someone might mention that I never before thought to explore.   But there are also $257 checks; there are also people who email who tell me how our search has inspired them to pursue their big goals.   I can collect the money, go to Market Basket and set up the kitchen… but I, too, have limitations and need to ask for help.  I’m trying to get better of that.  In the meantime, keep pointing out that the neon yellow treats might mean that I need to make a second attempt. It'll all pay off in the end.

With love (and now a sudden craving for baked goods),

Audra

After an emotional weekend, I was absolutely thrilled to look up listings on tvguide.com for this evening and to find out it’s the season premiere of The Amazing Race.   If you haven’t ever since this ingenius reality show/ competition, I strongly recommend you turn on CBS on a Sunday evening.  Maybe you’ll be amused by the road blocks and detours that essentially force show participants to give up any semblance of dignity, or perhaps you’ll be entertained to see how relationship dynamics play out (dating couples, married couples, brother/sister, father/son pairs) when teams are put under immense (artificial) pressure. As a former student of anthropology, I believe this show is worthy of an ethnography in itself.  Whatever draws you in, it’ll only take one episode for you to become a devoted fan.

Now for me, The Amazing Race serves not only as a compelling television viewing experience, but also as a unique bridging experience.  You see, when the show first aired way back in the day, Sister 2 and I saw it and immediately came to the same conclusion: we would be incredible on this show.  We have the personality, the insane banter and the gimmick they look for when casting the teams (our ‘sub title would probably be ‘Mixed Sisters’) and between the two of us, we could out-strategize, out-run and out-wit pretty much anyone else who might ever go on the show.  However, Sister 2 and I didn’t jump on the computer to sign up.  No, no, we’re smarter than that.  If we want to go on the show and win, we need to research, so for the past 7 seasons of the show, we’ve done just that.

While Sister 2 and I live states away from each other, you’d never know that when The Amazing Race is on.  We watch the show “together” by sending text message reactions, phone conversation strategic reflections during commercial, and engaging in end-of-show debriefs.  Through our weekly thought exercises, we’ve determined who would take on which road blocks (she would do anything having to do with eating, I would do things involving heights or memory puzzles) and how we would choose between detours.  Other teams might need a minute of think time, but we know when we’re on the show, our decisions will be instantaneous and on point.  We are well trained.  

Above all, we know we would win because we feed off each other’s ideas and energy… to the point that it builds into a ridiculous confidence that no one would ever question.  We find humor even in stressful situations, we find ways to look at each situation from another perspective and we don’t take ourselves too seriously.  The very same qualities that will one day prompted the Mixed Sisters to cross the finish line and win the million dollar prize are the same qualities that make me confident we will find Ashley.  Because even though this search is stressful, we’re making each other laugh.  Even when a situation makes us feel like we’re at a dead end, we find a new way to approach getting the word out about her.  And above all, we don’t take ourselves too seriously… in the next couple of months I’m sure you will agree with that.

With love (and elation that this season premiere is 2 hours long!!),
Audra

It’s the first day of fall.  How did that happen?  The change in seasons means different things now. They say that with every new season and holiday you will mourn the loss of your loved one yet again. I caught a glimpse of that when we celebrated Brother’s birthday.  I found that I physically hurt inside each time I registered Will’s absence.  What is more, I longed for my Uncle Dave to swagger in the door.  We lost Dave in November of  2007 to lung cancer.  It was sudden.  We didn’t even know he was ill.  It was mere months after Will came back into our lives, weeks after he moved in, and it shook each of us up to realize just how fast someone could go.  At Thanksgiving that year, I didn’t feel the immense sadness I expected.  Will had not been present for holidays for years.  It was like Dave as gone, but Will was there as a replacement.  It made it easier; it dulled the pain.  Christmas was more of the same… and each birthday and holiday after that.  Dave was no less special than Will.  More understated, less charisma.  More like me.  Yet I did not feel like all in the world was wrong as each day passed and I registered that Dave was not there to share it.

Brother’s birthday, without Dave, without Will… it was the first time I truly felt the huge loss that my mom must feel; it was the first time I cried over the fact that my mom’s family has all but disappeared.  Everything felt wrong.  Every word said to me irritated me to no end.  The anger that I’ve often tried to control was back.  I tried to silence it, and eat cake.  
My birthday is in 2 days.  The thought makes me feel sick.  I don’t want to celebrate it, because I know I don’t have the energy to put on a show of being happy and excited.  I think my family thinks I’m just being me, being “low maintenance,” when I’ve told them that I don’t want any presents.  But I don’t.  Things won’t fill the blank spots that have reemerged this week.  I don’t want things. I want people.  And all of the people I want here won’t be anywhere near.  

I’m turning 25.  A quarter century. And I’ve never had Ashley around to celebrate my birthday.  I can’t bring some people back.  But with Ashley, it may be possible.  So don’t give me things, give me A Wish for Ashley time; I could use the help.  This birthday is going to suck.  Right now I’m banking on the idea that next year will be a different story.

With love (and my thoughts on Will, Dave and Ash),
Audra

I know, I know.  I’ve been slacking.  This is the longest I have gone without posting since A Wish for Ashley started.   Last week through this past weekend was a scramble as I tried to balance my job and real life with going through all of the emails I received from people who read the Tribune story.  If you take the time to tell me your story, I think it’s worth the time to write you a personalized thank you.  I’ve been pushing through my inbox in my evening hours, and this blog suffered as a result.  Forgive me.  I must learn to clone myself.  Fast.

A lot of the emails I received offered encouragement, ideas for the search and some even offered to log some A Wish for Ashley outreach hours.  Some people also asked questions- and there was one question in particular that came up many times.  I think my MIA blogging may have been a response- but for those of you who aren’t keen on subtle cues the answer is yes, I do, in fact, have a real job.

Some people think I’m a complicated person.  Guarded.  Reserved.  Ha, A Wish for Ashley has done away with that!  But if you were to actually try and trace it, my personal and intellectual passions nearly all link back to one of few past experiences that left a lasting impression.  Losing Ashley is one of them.  Trust me, I’ve often thought, why Ashley? Why not me?  And yes, it makes me feel guilty.  Her father and my mother are siblings.  My mother beat the odds and built herself up to be “successful” in the eyes of popular society.  Her brother struggled with many things and made the kind of mistakes that make society question his worth.  Why was I born to her, and Ashley to him?  Why, because of that chance, did I have the opportunity to grow up with three incredible siblings, while she bounced around to a number of different foster homes?  Chance.  And chance troubles me.  I don’t like leaving things up to circumstance.

So I’m passionate about kids.  Not all kids.  I don’t like runny noses and sticky hands any more than the next guy.  But I’m passionate about most kids.  Particularly the ones that society might ignore or judge or question.  Because I could have been one. Ashley may be one.  I am fortunate enough to work now in a place where everyday I can talk to the kids who remind me of why things can’t be left up to chance.  They are brilliant, enthusiastic, optimistic young people who constantly push and inspire me.  They also remind me of Ashley. They remind me of who I am and why I am here.  Yeah, I’m lucky.  Who often finds that in their day job?

Real life, real job.  Is this my fake life, my fake job?  Sometimes when it seems like finding Ashley is so far away, I wonder if this is a pipe dream. I’ve never been good at those.  However I am good at juggling responsibilities.  So that is what I’ll do.   I don’t like to leave things up to chance.

With love (and thanks for your patience in my responding to all your emails),

Audra

 

I had a feeling I shouldn’t do it, but I scrolled down and read the comments that some Tribune readers posted in response to yesterday’s story.  Many were as sweet and encouraging as all the emails I’ve received in the past 24 hours.  A few were… not so much.  I knew that strangers who don’t know me or my family and don’t know the circumstances might question our motives. I expected this.  I didn’t expect the anger that I felt after reading those comments.  

I can only speak for myself- not for my mom, sisters, and brother.  For those that question why now are we searching, I just want to correct that for me, “now” has been always.  The first time I thought to search for Ashley I was a freshman in high school.  I had just learned how to use the internet- I was light years behind my peers who had screen names and all kinds of messenger programs I had never heard of- I was fourteen.  It was three years after the Dept. of Social Services decided not to place Ashley with my family and cut off our contact with her.  For three years I had been thinking constantly about where Ash might be and how she might be doing.  I was a kid. But I was old enough to understand that foster homes did not provide the greatest homelife.  I was aware enough to know that my missing Ashley everyday for three years was not a feeling that was going to go away anytime soon.  So I got myself my first screenname and started searching profiles.  I was fourteen. I naively and adamantly believed that I would find Ashley quickly and that with a couple of IMs we would re-establish the relationship we had shared just a short while before.  We would have figured out why in the world they moved her and cut off my family’s contact.  We would make up for lost time and grow up as best friends.  I was fifteen when I realized: our happy ending was nowhere near.

I kept searching.  Once I got through the AIM profiles I moved to public records. I learned how to use altavista- the search engine of choice back then- and searched every combination of her first middle and last names along with “Lowell” “born in February” and “foster care.”  There were many hits.  Never the one I was waiting for.  I graduated from high school having no doubt logged 1000 hours of Ashley search time.  I graduated from high school, and there was no way to invite Ash to my graduation.  

In college I got rid of my naivety.  I knew I shouldn’t think that tomorrow would be the day.  But I couldn’t let her go.  Anyone who knows me knows I don’t let many people in.  I have few friends, but those who are my friends are friends for life.  I don’t always agree with my family, but I will support and cheer my family members with all I have in me.  Ashley has always been my family. My little sister.  I couldn’t let her go.  I kept searching.  My junior year in college I had a hit.  Ashley Marie Cesenas.  It was a missing child’s poster.  The girl was bi-racial and born in February.  I saw the picture and thought, her face is rounder, but her features are similar.  Maybe.  I kept on searching for this Ashley… and then found the police report that this missing girl was found murdered.  My roommate came home to find me in my room sobbing.  It was the first time I told anyone Ashley’s story.  She looked at the pictures I had of Ashley at age 7 and looked at the poster… and remarked that they looked very, very similar.  I was inconsolable.  The next morning she called the local police department listed on the missing poster and asked if they could her give any information on the deceased Ashley Marie Cesenas.  The officer told her he couldn’t.  She pleaded with him to just confirm or deny that the girl was born in Massachusetts.  He took pity on her- heard my sobs in the background- and said that no, this girl was born in Texas.  My Ashley was ok.  But it was the first time I accepted that my search may not have a happy ending.

When I graduated from college and came home I kept in the habit of searching for Ashley.  She turned 18 that year and I felt a renewed sense of hope knowing that now, legally as an adult, she may be more easily tracked down.  That’s when I started with the phone records searches and making hundreds of phone calls.  Will came back into our lives a month later.  He wasn’t the reason I was searching.  He never was.  But as I got to know him again, as an adult, and truly understand the incredible transformation he had made from the days I had seen him when I was a kid, I developed the greatest respect for him.

The article says he didn’t say Ashley’s name until 5 days before he died.  This is true.  However, he talked about her all the time.  To me, and only to me.  Will was a private person.  He battled his feelings of guilt.  He fought us for loving him. He didn’t think he was worthy of that love.  I knew otherwise.  I wanted him to know that I wasn’t just saying I was happy he moved in just to say it, and that when I said 'I love you' I meant it.  But I’m not a vocal person.  I’m a writer.  So I wrote him a letter.  About everything.  In response, he locked his door for three days and didn’t let anyone in.  Too much too soon, I thought.  He’s just getting to know us again and I brought all the pain from his past back.  I kicked myself for leaving that letter on the pillow.  But when he finally unlocked his door, I heard him call my name.  I went in, closed the door, and sat on his bed.  That night was the first of hundreds of our ‘bed conversations.’  

Our bed conversations were always conversations about Ashley.  He never said her name, but the ‘she’ was always obvious.  Will told me how hard it was when he first moved in for him to see me, because I reminded him so much of her.  He talked about his regrets, his dreams of her, his all consuming guilt.  I didn’t tell him he shouldn’t say those things.  I just listened.  It was what he needed.  For him to open up to me in this way was huge.  To know he thought so much of me to pick me to listen… it was what I needed.  We took turns as to who was the talker and who was the listener.  During bed conversations I went from understanding him to be one man to truly knowing him as my best friend.  Yes, he messed up.  He lost Ashley.  He disappeared.  But he came back.  He came back and changed all of our lives in a way I could have never imagined.  

As Will’s cancer spread, I stepped up my efforts to find Ashley.  Not for him, as the article says.   But just to present her with the opportunity to question, to put on trial, this man who changed the trajectory of her life.  I felt that she should have a chance to meet the man who gave her life.  If Will had known I was calling hundreds of Ashleys at the time in the hopes of surprising him one day, he probably would have killed me.  I didn’t care. I was searching to give Ashley the choice.  I was chancing Will never talking to me again. Locking that door for his final days.  I kept making calls.

That last day that he was conscious in the hospice house, I replaced my mom and sat in the chair to take my shift of watching over him.  He startled me when he woke up.  I knew how many pain medications the nurses were giving him, and didn’t expect that he would wake for hours.  That was the day he said her name.  He said it to me and asked me to find her because we had been talking about her all along.  He said it to me… because I think he knew that I had been up to things for a while.

A Wish for Ashley has been 10 years in the making.  I started this project at age fourteen.  Blindly optimistic, supremely naïve.  I continue this project now at age twenty-four.  Trying to maintain my optimism. No longer possessing any of that naivety.  A part of me died when I was eleven and told that they had moved my cousin and I would not be able to see her again.  Another part fell away when I registered that my search could have a very unhappy ending.  A huge piece of my heart went numb on June 1st when I lost my best friend, my only tangible link to my other sister.   A Wish for Ashley, yes, was Will’s wish.  But selfishly, it is my own.  I can’t let her go.  Not until I know she’s ok.  People can write all they want and, I know, I need to be ok with that.  In my heart I know that I have been trying my hardest for years to bring back my little sister.  Ashley, I know you’re not so little anymore.  Neither am I.  But please just let me know you’re ok.  If you want to leave after that, only then will I finally let go.  

I love you.

Audra

Like most Sunday evenings, I am perched on my bed right now, watching HG-tv.  Ok really, don’t judge me. I’m lame. I know.  But I’m old. I’m turning 25 in 12 days.  House Hunters is to me now what Dawson’s Creek was when I was a middle schooler…  But tonight is not like any other Sunday night.  For one, I can’t move.  Every part of my body aches.  The thought of moving off my bed to take the four steps into my kitchen to find dinner… yeah that’s not going to happen. But what’s more, I can’t stop smiling.  Today was a completely surreal experience.  From walking into the Mobil station for coffee on the way into Boston and seeing the HUGE “Finding Ashley” headline on the front page of the Sunday Eagle-Tribune, to walking into the auditorium at Babson College and being overwhelmed by the spirit of all the Jimmy Fund Walk participants, today has been awesome.  

It is hard to put the experience into words.  It was sad, seeing so many other teams also walking ‘In Memory Of’ a loved one.  Yet while I could read sadness in some of the others’ eyes, they, like me, were full of smiles and laughs, because we all felt like the little steps might possibly prevent another family from suffering such a sad loss in the future.  Every three miles or so, there were ‘checkpoints’ marked by signs such as ‘Resilience’ ‘Hope’ and ‘Success’ and many of us snapped pictures of the words that have taken on a whole new meaning since cancer became so personal.  Steps beyond the signs were snack stations unlike anything I’ve ever seen.  Fruit, cookies, crackers, candy… you name it, volunteers were throwing it at you.  I overheard one walk participant sum it up nicely: "I walked 13.1 miles for the Jimmy Fund Walk… and gained 10 pounds."  Those of us on Team Will McFarland/A Wish for Ashley looked forward to those 3-mile checkpoints not only for the photo ops and food, but because they were key points during which walk participants and volunteers would converse.  The sense of community around the snack tables and Port-O-Potties was palpable.  I would never have elected to join a community whose boundaries are defined by those affected by cancer.  However, ever since I was drafted into it, I am grateful for the examples of others who have been a part of that group for much longer than I as to how we can together make the disease a thing of the past.  

Physically the walk was rough.  Turns out, ‘Heartbreak Hill’ is, in fact, heartbreaking.  And seriously, the town of Newton feels like it goes on forever.  But when we passed into Brighton, and then Brookline and then Boston… our team picked up the pace.  With so many passerby and volunteers cheering us on, we began to forget about our blisters (Kev), back (Sister 2), asthma (Greg) and hip socket (me), and keep up a brisk pace.  When I finally spotted my mom and Theresa (who had finished the 5 mile walk earlier) with their neon A Wish for Ashley.com signs a block from the finish line, I felt amazing.  Will was there.  All of us had come through the walk and come through months upon months of hospice care in the home only to have to say goodbye to Will in June and come closer to each other in the process.  "And here comes team A Wish for Ashley!" the finish line announcer boomed as we held up our signs and passed under the finish.  Yes, here we come.  

We spent another hour helping the 5 mile members of our team finish handing out wish cards and so many people we handed them to stopped and asked what it was about.  We quickly explained Will’s wish… and so many of the people we talked to promised up and down they would visit this website and help spread the word.  I believe them too.  Because when you’ve been put in the position of evaluating the daily happenings through a lens of life and death, when you promise something, you take it seriously.  I promised something. And I take it very seriously.

We’re getting closer to Ashley.  As mentioned in the Eagle Tribune article, my sisters and I once sang Ashley the song ‘Maybe’ from the musical Annie.  She loved the song, and asked us to sing it to her every visit we had from then on.  It’s Ashley’s Song.  Maybe far away or maybe real nearby the orphan Annie sang about her family.  Today, in the crowd of 8,000 Jimmy Fund Walkers, I felt like she was real nearby.  Thank you for joining A Wish for Ashley.  Thank you for helping me grant Will’s last wish.

With love (and not nearly enough Aleve in my apartment),

Audra

It's all happening.  We're leaving in a few minutes to head into Boston and catch the shuttle bus to Babson College for the 13.1 mile start of the Jimmy Fund Walk.  I am anxious about the challenge of getting through the walk in great spirits, but I am overwhelmed by the love and support I have been receiving from my crazy, yet hopeful family, my wonderful boyfriend, my friends and complete strangers who have become genuine allies through A Wish for Ashley.  

A year ago, I could not have conceived what my day to day would be like without my Uncle Will in it.  A year ago, I so refused to believe that he would no longer be in it, that I refused to consider the possibility.  I believed he would get better and live forever because I needed him.  I needed him to be the best friend he was to me- to give me the perspective, humor and love I required to face any day with a positive attitude.  A year later, I still need him.  And with A Wish for Ashley he is still with me;  bringing me closer to others in my life who offer perspective and humor and introducing new people to my life who consistently astound me with their generosity, kindness and caring.  It is the people that I know Will has brought and will continue to bring into my life through this project that keep me positive that we will find Ashley.  These people are helping me do what I've been trying to do for 8 years.  These people are going to help me show my Uncle Will just how much he will always mean to me by granting his last wish.  

Today as I walk (and crawl) the 13.1 mile Jimmy Fund Walk route, you can be sure I'll be doing a few things. 1) Scanning the crowds for any mixed race 21-year-olds who may possibly be Ashley  2) remembering all of the hilarious/serious/happy/soul searching conversations I had with Will that have made me who I am today and being thankful for the time we had 3) wondering what the next year will bring, what I'll be thinking about and perhaps who I'll be walking with for Jimmy Fund Walk 2010 and 4) sharing Will's inspirational story and our collective desire to find Ashley with anyone who will listen. 

If you're in Boston today, I encourage you to come to Copley Square around noon to join the Jimmy Fund Walk finish line celebration.  Wave one of Team Will McFarland/A Wish for Ashley (mom, Theresa, Ned and Christina) should be finishing the 5 mile walk around that time and meeting other A Wish for Ashley-ers to hand out 'wish cards' and pins to people at the celebration (thank you Amy, Dad, Pam, Sister Two and Greg for putting in so many hours today glue-ing and pinning to make the wish cards possible).  Look for them with A Wish for Ashley signs and black 'Will McFarland/ A Wish for Ashley' baseball caps- take a pin and a card and give them a chance to thank you for all of your support.  Wave two of Team Will McFarland/A Wish for Ashley (me, Sister Two, Greg, Kevin, June, John, Jo and Donny) will finish the 13.1 mile walk anytime between 1230 and.... dusk (I don't have the greatest faith in my athletic endurance).  If you're at Copley when we stumble in, know that- whether I'm able to articulate it in my state of exhaustion or not- I am so appreciative  of all that you are doing on my family's behalf.  

If you haven't seen it already, A Wish for Ashley is the front page story of today's Eagle Tribune.  Read the online version of the story here: http://www.eagletribune.com/punews/local_story_256002857.html (Thank you again, Crystal and Roger, for your help in getting the word out and your care in telling Will and Ashley's story.)  

With that, I must tie on my sneakers and go.  Wish me luck! 

With love (and Will, Ashley and all of you A Wish for Ashley-ers on my mind),

Audra

In an attempt to be cognizant of all my loyal readers, I recognize that if you’re a numbers person, you’ve probably found this blog lacking the quantitative stuff that gets you all excited.  So I present to you...  A Wish for Ashley: By the Numbers...

732        Ashleys we’ve reached out to on Facebook this month

208        Ashley Helpers- keep on spreading the word!

341        A Wish for Ashley-ers (i.e. helpers who are not named Ashley)

21          Current age of the Ashley we’re looking for

8            Super Ashley Helpers (those who volunteer multiple hours to doing outreach)

14          Super A Wish for Ashley-ers (hardcore volunteers not named Ashley)

6            Number of A Wish For Ashley-ers who appeared on the CBS Early Show

700        New website visitors as a result of the Early Show stint

87          Emails/facebook messages I’ve received from complete strangers sending me encouragement, thoughts and prayers

8            Conversations with loved ones that have kept me focused and hopeful.  (you know who you are… I love you)  

Dear Ashley,

I worry a lot about what you will think about this effort to find you, especially as you probably don’t understand any better than I do why you were “lost” in the first place.  I hope you’ll be understanding of why I resorted to this; I hope you’ll forgive me for looking for you in this manner.  I remember being 11-years-old and so excited at the prospect of you joining our family.  I remember being really mad when I found out that my mom had decided that if you were to move in you’d share a room with Sister 2, when I had already decided that you were going to be my best friend.  I remember being told that the Department of Social Services decided we weren’t the best family for you and you weren’t going to be moving in anytime soon.  I didn’t understand.  I still don’t understand.  You have every right to be angry that we stopped showing up on Sundays; I don’t know what you were told, I wish we had been given a chance to see you and explain.  Maybe one day we’ll all be able to piece together why that decision was made, and one day understand how it has changed each of our lives, for better, for worse. 

Ashley, I want you to know that I have no intention of inserting myself into your life.  If you don’t want me or my family to play a role in your life, I will respect that decision because you have every right to make it.  I'm not going to try to make you my best friend or my roommate... unless you want to be (at least I know the option is me and not Sister 2-  she's married now, and the roommate deal might not fly with her husband... :)  ).  My wish is just to know that you’re ok, and for you to know that- whether you want to take it or leave it- I love you and will always be here if you need a cousin, sister or friend.

With love (and lots of it),

Your Cousin, Audra

The Jimmy Fund Walk is only days away!  Many thanks to all of you who have donated to our team's fundraising efforts and who have volunteered to help us put things together for the big day.  You may be wondering who exactly comprises Team Will McFarland/A Wish for Ashley... so now's the time to meet the team (courtesy of my unbiased team profiles… ah the power of being Team Captain… and being the only one with the password to the editing feature of this website)!

Team Will McFarland/ A Wish for Ashley Roster

Team Captain: Audra  
Role: Will’s niece/Ashley’s cousin. 
Walk Day Strengths: the ability to go for incredible amounts of time without food, drink or bathroom breaks. 
Most Likely on the Walk to: keel over from dehydration and refuse medical care. 

Co-Captain: Sister 2
Role: Will’s niece/ Ashley’s cousin.
Walk Day Strengths: superhuman energy level and willingness to make a fool out of herself 
Most Likely on the Walk to: orchestrate a sing-along and still be bouncing around when we reach the finish line.  

Walker Three: Greg 
Role: Sister 2's husband/Ashley’s future fan 
Walk Day Strengths: All-American athletic background
Most Likely on the Walk to: be heckled by his wife, who is not an athlete, when he starts slowing down and she’s just getting started.  

Walker Four: June 
Role: Will’s best friend/ Ashley’s future fan 
Walk Day Strengths: compassionate and understanding 
Most Likely on the Walk to: cheerlead anyone who is doubting that he/she can finish.  

Walker Five:  Kev 
Role: My mom’s partner/ Ashley’s future fan
Walk Day Strengths: former army guy, knows how to ration food and water and respond to potentially dangerous Jimmy Fund Walk situations.  
Most Likely on the Walk to: be an Army of One… by piggy-backing most of the team to the finish line (he’s a tank).  

Walker Six: Mom 
Role: Will’s sister/ Ashley’s aunt 
Walk Day Strengths: she's mini; will easily weave her way through walk crowds 
Most Likely on the Walk to:  Be lovin' the team baseball cap.

Walker Seven (virtual walker… in California): Sister One
Role: Will’s niece/ Ashley’s cousin 
Walk Day Strengths: will still be in bed when we've all walked 7+ miles
Most Likely on the Walk to:  be running around Los Angeles in stilettos and calling all of us after we fall over at the finish line to ask “was it FUN!?!!”

Think my predictions are off? Defend yourself via the 'comment' feature.  Or prove me wrong on Sunday... :) 

Sunday will be a big day for A Wish for Ashley.  Not only will we celebrate Ashley and Will... but it may be the day our first big news piece is printed (not confirmed, but again, stay tuned for details)!  Thank you for your ongoing support, outrageous- and GENIUS- outreach ideas and commitment to granting this wish. 

With love (and a desire for the next few days to pass quickly!!),

Audra