A Wish for Ashley

It’s hard to believe that it has been 10 weeks since Will passed away.  It seems my phase of denial grayed out about 6 weeks, vacation distracted me for 2 and now that real life has begun again, that leaves about a 2 week distance from that day in my mind.  But even in that short time, I’ve learned I’m not nearly as strong as I always thought I was and not nearly as good at compartmentalizing my emotions as I use to be.  Very unsettling for a person who strives to intellectualize her personal experience rather than, well, experience her personal experience.  Being away from the people you love is never fun.  I’ve been learning a lot about that.

Tomorrow my family will celebrate Brother’s 19th birthday and I know that for me it’ll be a difficult occasion.  I can still picture Will at Brother’s 18th birthday party with his chemo-bloated face, stashing Snickers bars behind the wet bar to ensure we had something to snack on after the teenagers feasted.  To see my baby brother become that much more of an adult, to think about what he saw and experienced this past year and to recall the times our roles reversed, and he became the reassuring figure, squeezing my hand tight when there was no one else to hold it, I wish I could have sheltered him from that.  But at the same time, his strength and the depths to which he loves others are what make me so proud of him. 

People have asked me what I will do if we find Ashley and she is not living the life of the triumphant former foster child, now on top of the world.  Really?  This is not a Lifetime made for TV movie. I know what the statistics on children growing up in foster care look like.  What would I do if she is nothing like my siblings and I, what would I do if she is angry at us, having never understood why no longer could see her anymore, what would I do if she does not want us in her life?   In five days time, my mom and I will learn more information on this lead I can’t yet give you details about; in five days time I may have to think more critically about what my answers to those questions will be.  I have a feeling that like Brother, I will wish I could have sheltered Ashley from any challenging experiences.  However, one of the things I’m learning about being away from the people you love is that you have to have confidence in their character and that bond that time and space can never shake.  No matter the extent to which she wants us in her life, Ashley will always be a part of my life.  Just as Will is forever imprinted in my everyday, loving me, inspiring me and pushing me through each difficult day, Ashley is forever imprinted in my heart. 

With love (and a big early Happy Birthday to the bestest little brother in the world),

Audra