A Wish for Ashley

Dear Ashley,

I worry a lot about what you will think about this effort to find you, especially as you probably don’t understand any better than I do why you were “lost” in the first place.  I hope you’ll be understanding of why I resorted to this; I hope you’ll forgive me for looking for you in this manner.  I remember being 11-years-old and so excited at the prospect of you joining our family.  I remember being really mad when I found out that my mom had decided that if you were to move in you’d share a room with Sister 2, when I had already decided that you were going to be my best friend.  I remember being told that the Department of Social Services decided we weren’t the best family for you and you weren’t going to be moving in anytime soon.  I didn’t understand.  I still don’t understand.  You have every right to be angry that we stopped showing up on Sundays; I don’t know what you were told, I wish we had been given a chance to see you and explain.  Maybe one day we’ll all be able to piece together why that decision was made, and one day understand how it has changed each of our lives, for better, for worse. 

Ashley, I want you to know that I have no intention of inserting myself into your life.  If you don’t want me or my family to play a role in your life, I will respect that decision because you have every right to make it.  I'm not going to try to make you my best friend or my roommate... unless you want to be (at least I know the option is me and not Sister 2-  she's married now, and the roommate deal might not fly with her husband... :)  ).  My wish is just to know that you’re ok, and for you to know that- whether you want to take it or leave it- I love you and will always be here if you need a cousin, sister or friend.

With love (and lots of it),

Your Cousin, Audra