A Wish for Ashley

It’s the first day of fall.  How did that happen?  The change in seasons means different things now. They say that with every new season and holiday you will mourn the loss of your loved one yet again. I caught a glimpse of that when we celebrated Brother’s birthday.  I found that I physically hurt inside each time I registered Will’s absence.  What is more, I longed for my Uncle Dave to swagger in the door.  We lost Dave in November of  2007 to lung cancer.  It was sudden.  We didn’t even know he was ill.  It was mere months after Will came back into our lives, weeks after he moved in, and it shook each of us up to realize just how fast someone could go.  At Thanksgiving that year, I didn’t feel the immense sadness I expected.  Will had not been present for holidays for years.  It was like Dave as gone, but Will was there as a replacement.  It made it easier; it dulled the pain.  Christmas was more of the same… and each birthday and holiday after that.  Dave was no less special than Will.  More understated, less charisma.  More like me.  Yet I did not feel like all in the world was wrong as each day passed and I registered that Dave was not there to share it.

Brother’s birthday, without Dave, without Will… it was the first time I truly felt the huge loss that my mom must feel; it was the first time I cried over the fact that my mom’s family has all but disappeared.  Everything felt wrong.  Every word said to me irritated me to no end.  The anger that I’ve often tried to control was back.  I tried to silence it, and eat cake.  
My birthday is in 2 days.  The thought makes me feel sick.  I don’t want to celebrate it, because I know I don’t have the energy to put on a show of being happy and excited.  I think my family thinks I’m just being me, being “low maintenance,” when I’ve told them that I don’t want any presents.  But I don’t.  Things won’t fill the blank spots that have reemerged this week.  I don’t want things. I want people.  And all of the people I want here won’t be anywhere near.  

I’m turning 25.  A quarter century. And I’ve never had Ashley around to celebrate my birthday.  I can’t bring some people back.  But with Ashley, it may be possible.  So don’t give me things, give me A Wish for Ashley time; I could use the help.  This birthday is going to suck.  Right now I’m banking on the idea that next year will be a different story.

With love (and my thoughts on Will, Dave and Ash),
Audra