A Wish for Ashley

When Ashley was a toddler, my uncle brought her to our house on Christmas Eve.  We put her in the guest bedroom- three doors away from my room with the mint-green comforter.  “If you hear Ashley cry, come get me,” my mom said when she kissed me goodnight.   I was young- 5 years old or so- but I heard my mother’s instruction and felt a large amount of responsibility.  I needed to look out for Ashley, and if she needed help, seek it out.  

I awoke on Christmas Eve not to the sound of sleigh bells, but to Ashley’s whimpering cry.  Audra! Go get help!  I jumped out of bed and raced down the hallway.  I checked my parents’ room and it was empty.  So I continued on towards the family room where I could hear faint laughs and the sound of a TV playing softly.  I threw open the family room door… and saw my mom, dad and Uncle Will wrapping presents.  I remember the confusion.  Why are they wrapping gifts?  That’s Santa’s job!  My mom froze when she saw me.  ‘Ashley’s crying,’ I whispered.  My mom scooped me up quickly and carried me back to bed. But not before I saw a large pink box: Barbie rollerskates.   My mom kissed me again and went to go check in on Ashley.  

I woke up the next morning and was thrilled to see so many presents under the tree with my name on them.  I went straight to the biggest one.  ‘To Audra, From Santa’ the tag read.  I tore off the paper… and there were the Barbie rollerskates.  I was a very observant child.  And not to be boastful, but a smart one too.  It took me less than a second to realize: Santa’s not real.   Later I confronted my mom about this fact and she knew better than to lie to me.  However she asked me to hold the magic, so that my sisters and little brother could continue to believe until they too learned the big secret.  In looking out for Ashley, I came face-to-face with reality.  Less magical, but it was my responsibility to try to keep the magic going.

Last night I was thinking about how the past 48 hours relates to that Christmas Eve so long ago.  In trying to look out for Ashley all these years, searching for her, I have come face to face with some less magical realities.  Reading about foster care systems, sifting though mounds of records… the ending of potentially finding Ashley was never sunshine and roses in my mind.  However, I felt it was my responsibility.  If she’s crying I need to get my mom.  I kept my search to myself and tried to keep the optimism going. 10 years later, that optimism was beginning to slip.   

When I promised Will that I would find Ashley, I felt a renewed sense of responsibility.  For all  people want to judge him for making the mistakes that he did in the past, I can only say that I personally never judged him. Because I loved him.  With all I had in me.   Losing him has been heart breaking for me.  I still cry every few days when I register his absence.  Miss his laugh.  Miss all of the times he helped build me up, give me advice, when I needed it most.  Will’s promise brought back the magic.  He brought me to A Wish for Ashley.

All of you who are emailing are magic.  The leads you are sending. The encouragement.  The support.  I use to feel so alone in my search.  Now I feel so supported, and so optimistic that together, with Will’s guidance from above, we will find Ashley.  

Santa may not be real, but this search is.  I won’t give up on finding Ashley.  Ash, I love you so much.  Will, I miss you.  But I’m keeping my promise.  

With love (for both, always and forever),

Audra