A Wish for Ashley

Yay! Another guest blog (which is good because right now I'm at my kitchen table helping one of my "clients" write an AP English paper...oh I have so many fake jobs)... Thank you, Tara!

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(I’ve been dreading this. But like my mom said, anything for Audra.)

I’m the oldest, the one who ran away from New England winters 5 years ago, slow as molasses, and yes I have a penchant for stiletto heels no matter what the weather.

Over 15 years ago, my home was Ashley’s home.  Love, laughter, and unconditional support flew off the walls. I just knew that DSS would see how much fun we all had together and that Ashley would be a permanent member of our family in no time. I naively thought it was a sure thing.

Then the day came that we weren’t going to see her anymore.  Usually one to get sad when I’m hurting, instead I got angry.  They made a BIG mistake, one that I didn’t understand, and one that I needed to fix.  It was my first realization that nothing is a sure thing in our world.  Well, almost nothing…

I too have spent time secretly searching for Ashley online over the years and when I first logged on I faced the questions that all of the members in my family faced.  Am I being selfish by searching for her?  Who am I to disrupt a child’s life? Should I just leave this girl alone?  Those doubts only crept in for the amount of time between the first and second mouse click because for all of the backlash my family and Audra have been subjected to, I know that searching for Ashley is the right thing.  Let me explain.

I am terrified of flying.  I don’t like knowing there is space between my feet and the ground.  I do not belong in a small metal tube with strangers.  I do not enjoy being on that metal tube as it speeds through the sky bumping along the way.  And I derive absolutely zero comfort from the fact that my seat is also a flotation device.  Did I mention my fatal allergy to nuts? Airplanes are not for me. So where am I now? 3000 miles away on the west coast, a 6 HOUR plane ride away from home. What the?!?

I needed to come out here to be with the love of my life, and that would not have been possible without my family. Often when I don’t feel like I have the strength to do something in this tough world, I rely on the same love, laughter, and unconditional support that used to bounce off the walls of our home, to pull me through.  I know that everyone needs a cheering section because, as my brother would say, “Life’s a bitch, be it’s pimp.” While I don’t feel like a pimp, I know I will make it past the next obstacle with these people behind me (alright, and a little Ativan for the long flights), and THAT is a sure thing.  There is no doubt in my mind that wherever Ashley is, she should be able to utilize the same support network and there is nothing selfish or wrong about reminding her that NO MATTER WHAT, we are still here for her.

I derive my strength from my family, and whether or not you know it, Ashley you have always been a part of that. Thank you for the opportunity to come out here and stand by my man.  My address may be Los Angeles, but my heart and spirit are spread around the country with the members of my amazing family and hopefully somewhere in Ashley wherever she is right now.

Ashley, if you’re reading this, I would hop on a plane tomorrow for you. Name the place.

All you need is love,

Tara