INFP to the End 11/18/2009
 
When I was in college, I had to take the Myers-Brigg personality test.  I was highly skeptical that any test with seemingly trivial questions could generate any accurate profile; I mean I spent years in middle school tricking Seventeen Magazine ‘do you have what it takes to be a princess’ quizzes- do you like crowns?  YES!  So when I was handed a Myers-Briggs ‘INFP’ profile and then told I scored so far over on the INFP spectrum (highly introverted, intuitive, feeling and perceptive)  that ‘people like me’ comprised  under 2% of the US population… I was less than thrilled. Yeah, as if I’m weird enough being mixed race, now you’re telling me my personality is an oddity too? Great thanks.  However, I remember reading the profile you deal with things based on how they make you feel, and how they fit into your personal value system… do not like conflict… idealists and perfectionists…flexible and laid-back, until one of their values is violated…hard to get to know, they reserve their deepest love and caring for a select few who are closest to them…and thinking whoa.  That’s me.  I was starting to feel like a freak when the test administrator pointed out that two other girls in the group not only scored as INFPs but that the three of us had identical numeric scores for each personality element; ‘that never happens!’ she exclaimed.  Three freaks, it seems, but we found each other.  And to this day they are two of my best friends. 

The irony of a strong INFP-er taking a personality test and reading her profile is that INFP-ers are usually incredibly aware of their emotions and others’ perceptions of them.  The profile was accurate, but it was all stuff I had been writing about in my journal for years.  I had been aware of my tendency to feel hugely loyal to those in my inner circle, blame myself for things and ‘feel the world on my shoulders,’ and to never feel like things that I worked on were never good enough (yeah, remember my running water diorama?).  I knew that I rarely had strong reactions to situations unless I felt one of my values was truly being violated.  I was at a point that I was able to identify what my ‘ruling values’ were.

It is clear to me now that one of them is family.  Challenge my family members, and I will have an extremely strong- and emotional- reaction.  Challenge the values and sense of self that my mom worked so hard to instill in me and there is little hope that I’ll ever let it go.  That’s why A Wish for Ashley is so hard for me; it plays on every strength and flaw in my personality.  I want to right a wrong done to my family 15 years ago and I cannot let that go until I find my missing family member, my little sister.  However I blame myself that we are now 4 months into this and we still haven’t found her.  The weight of the search often keeps me up and I never feel like I’m doing enough.  Miss a few days of blogging because of things going on in my real life and I feel immensely guilty. 

Ashley, I wonder what you’re like now, if you feel these same tensions in your life.  The people who help me balance mine are your family too.  I hope you’ll give us a chance and meet us one day.

I miss you.  

With love (and INFP-ers don't mess around with that word),

Audra
 
 


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