A Wish for Ashley

Call me cold hearted, but I don’t like animals. Dogs, cats, gerbils, rabbits… they’re all well and good but I don’t want them anywhere near me or anywhere near my living space.  Especially dogs. I not only don’t like them, but I also fear them. Tell me all you want that Fido is ‘sweet’ and ‘would never hurt a fly’ but I know that the minute you turn your back, that slobbering creature will clamp right down on my leg. So you can imagine the surprise I am experiencing over the fact I have come to care about the welfare of an animal, and a dog at that.

But that’s the kind of effect my Uncle Will has had on me.  Will is the reason I walk past drug addicts on the street and wonder not about why a person is destroying him or herself like that, but what happened in their lives to press him to pursue such a chemical escape.  Will is the reason I try not to generalize about ‘criminals’ and either defray judgment or learn more about the individual’s story before considering any kind of conclusion.  Will is the reason that I have been called a liberal.  Haha. 

Will is the reason I care about a dog.  Zak was his only ‘child’ besides Ashley. A yellow lab he acquired when Zak was just a puppy; a dog he got right before he was diagnosed with cancer and began fighting for each day. I never liked Zak, even once he moved in.  And by in I mean into my mom’s basement- she’s not an animal lover either.  Zak was untrained.  Would bark at me.  Would scare the crap out of me.  However, I kept quiet, because Will loved Zak.  And I loved Will. 

Will made few requests at the end of his life. Picked his battles, I suppose you could say.  He asked me to take care of his fish.  I promised I would.  24 hours later the fish was floating.  Will, I’m sorry. But the fish wanted to go with you.  I couldn’t stop him!  He asked my mom and I to find Ashley.  We’re working on it.  And lastly, he asked my mom to keep Zak.  And now I know he’s laughing hysterically as he looks down from above.

Kevin, my “fake stepdad,” is Zak’s primary caregiver.  He loves Zak, takes him out, shows him the kind of love my fear and my mother’s love of cleanliness would never allow.  Yet lately Zak has become sad.  Depressed.  He cries. Loudly.  Nearly every night. Sometimes during the day.  The sound broke my heart.  It was like hearing Will cry.  My mother felt the same. She started going down in the basement with treats to keep him company, and my little brother- home on break- would try too.  However Zak kept crying.  He’s lonely.  He needs love.

When Will was struggling with drug addiction he was lonely and needed love.  We showed him he was not alone, and no action he might take would diminish the love we had for him.  So it is no surprise that when Zak began expressing his sadness, my mother, Miss-is-that-a-single-dog-hair?-GET-A-VACCUM!, agreed to let him come upstairs.  Out of the basement into her house.  In a crate. Obviously.  Because I’m still terrified Zak is going to eat me.  Last night was Zak’s inaugural evening up on the main living level.

And he was beaming.  Literally, I never thought dogs could beam.  They can show their fangs and maul you, but I didn’t believe they could legit smile.  He was calm.  We were 10 feet away in the family room, calling out to him, reassuring him, and he was visibly calmed.   He was Will.  An embodiment.  The crooked smirk.  The ease; so easily pleased.  He was family.

I’m still scared of Zak.  Don’t get me wrong.  He’s in the basement for today, but will be above ground- in the crate- again tonight.  However, I think I understand why Will made the final requests that he did.  He wanted me to take care of the fish.  Knowing the fish was on its last legs- gills?- and I would be absolved of responsibility.  He wanted my mom and I to find Ashley.  Knowing that when I get a goal in my head I won’t stop until I attain it, and that the qualities necessary for doing so that I lack- aggressiveness and assertiveness- my mother would contribute to drive the search forward.  He wanted my mom to keep the dog. Knowing that we would miss him.  Zak is a way to have Will around.  Because the house is still empty, and some days are still sad.  But with Zak around we remember not the chemo and the drugs and the hospice care… but the man who brought warmth, laughter, love and lessons into our household. 

Ashley, I’m missing your father a lot.  Last Christmas, when he was too sick to get out of bed, he told me I should get use to not having him around for the holiday.  I shook my head and refused to listen to him.  I still refuse to listen to him.  I’m having Will around for the holiday.  Bringing him into the house however I can. Because with him above me I won’t ever be lonely and I’ll always be loved.  Ash, I hope one day you’ll be found so that you can become aware of his love for you.  

With love (and a reminder: only five more shopping days ‘til Christmas),

Audra