For two years, it has been hard to sleep. At first I would awake because I was sleeping with one ear open. Listening for my Uncle Will across the hall, wanting to be sure that if he called for help I would hear. Later I awoke because I was sleeping with one eye open. Looking out for signs of death, hoping that if I saw It, I could fight him off and keep Will for a little while longer. After he was gone I awoke because I was swimming in memories. Reliving every conversation, wondering if I could have done more, if things could have been different. I dreamed of my Uncle Will, and I dreamed of my cousin Ashley. Happy. Hurting. Stable. Lonely. I would wake up so often during every night, I began to feel that was normal. I'll have an extra large, French Vanilla coffee with skim milk and splenda, I would order- on autopilot- each morning.

For the past 9 days, I've slept through the night. At first I thought it was a fluke. Later I thought I was lucky.  After a week, I knew it was for a reason. Will is resting now. Ashley is safe. My mind could calm down, knowing that we brought my Uncle Will his peace. My mind could stop speculating, knowing that Ashley has been loved and will know how much we all love her. For months I've been struggling, grieving, unable to move on. Now I am pressing forward, finding healthy ways to keep Will in my life and waiting for word from Ashley that we'll be able to be a piece of hers.

I'm at my mom's house right now, alone. A few minutes ago Zak started barking, loudly, from the basement. I went down- on autopilot- and gave him some treats. And then I sat and pet him for a while. You know Audra, if he decides to attack there's no one home to save you. I quieted the voice, when I heard another one speak. “I miss your dad” I heard myself say, and he barked. “Thanks for being here,” I continued on. And he smiled.

With love (and thanks for all of your well wishes and congratulations,

Audra




 


Comments

Pam
01/23/2010 09:19

Dear Audra,

You have worked so hard. You kept your promise and you persevered to the end. You have taught me a great lesson one of which was started years ago between me and God when I read....yes, in my Bible....better to not make a vow, than to make a vow and not fullfil it. You took a risk and you made a promise and you did everything you could to keep it. Some of us learn this lesson the hard way with the consequences of breaking promises.

BUT most importantly, you came to a place along the way of accepting that you did not have control over the end result. I believe that you realized you could only do your part and that God (through His divine intervention) would make all the details come together...in His perfect timing. That letting go of your will and desires and letting Him work through you and others and even whatever tv, newspaper, blogs you were motivated to try....and a whole host of prayer warriors....God blessed your efforts and knows your heart to love your very special cousin, Ashley and Uncle Will.

Thank you Audra for being vulnerable and transparent....something I have learned is a much healthier way to be than pretending to be 'all together' and fake.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control....these are the Fruit of the Spirit which God grows in us over time. And the greatest of these is love. Probably because...once again I learned from my Bible....God is Love!!

Enjoy the rest of this journey...including your adventure to Ghana you 'bad' girl!! :) I suspect I'm not the only one who sees this as anything but a bad girl thing!!

Blessings,
Pam

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Pam
01/23/2010 09:24

ps Sleep is good, Audra!! Don't take it for granted...without it we go crazy...take it from one who knows!! I pray that you will continue to sleep easy and get the rest you need for each day....one day at a time.

Reply
Connie
01/23/2010 11:10

Dear Audra,
I am very touched, deeply touched, by your dedication and love as you worked and persevered to fulfill this promise. I am overjoyed that you have found Ashley and can reconnect again.
I don't know if Janis is aware of this yet. She is in Spain, but will return at the end of the month. I know she will be elated for you.
xoxo,
Connie

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Sapphyre link
01/28/2010 14:25

Audra, I am so happy for you that your quest is now over and you can be at rest.

You are a remarkable human being. It has been a pleasure to read your blog.

XOXOX

Sapphyre

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emily
01/29/2010 13:08

I am so happy that you finally found Ashley. I have been reading your blog since your story was posted on AOL and I think that you are an amazing person for not giving up the search. I wish all the best for you and your family and I hope you reconnect with Ashley.

:)

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Sharon
02/13/2010 21:13

I am so happy for you. I am still so happy for you but we have not heard how all has faired out. Please update us. We all love you Audra and Ashley...

Reply
Cecil
04/30/2010 08:18

Updates?

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