You Gotta Be 01/11/2010
 
I admit it. I have the strangest taste in music. For me, music is less about rhythms and instruments and more about the memories I attach to each song. Sure, I might recognize that N*Sync made no earth breaking contributions to our musical culture, but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate blaring 'Tearin' Up My Heart' every now and again and remembering me and my oldest friend Alex swooning over boy bands way back in the day. Sure, I might recognize that the Delilah radio show plays some of the oldest and most maudlin music ever created, but seriously, have you ever listened to the call-in show? Hilarious!!!!

It was when I was listening to the Delilah show last week that a very old (of course), but memorable (for me) song came through the waves; Desree's 1994 ballad 'You Gotta Be.'A power song for any young woman, Delilah would argue. A power song in my memory. It was the last song I remember singing along to in the car as we drove back from Amazement to drop Ashley off at her foster home. The last song I ever sang- in my ten year old soprano- to my cousin.

As the song blared through my speakers, I listened more intently to the words than I ever have before:

Listen as your day unfolds Challenge what the future holds Try and keep your head up to the sky Lovers, they may cause you tears Go ahead release your fears Stand up and be counted Don't be ashamed to cry You gotta be You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold,you gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm You gotta stay together All I know, all I know, love will save the day

The song ended. And I was shaken up. Those were some of the last words I said to my cousin before she was taken from us. It took me a while to learn them. To live them. At 25 years old, I'm just now figuring them out.

I've learned to listen. To people who write in with advice. Leads. No matter how far fetched. Because listening is the only thing that brings me closer. I've learned to challenge. If I stood by my future would be without Ashley. Without her knowing that I love her, even if she doesn't want me around. I've challenged my family members to take this risk. I've challenged strangers who have questioned the likelihood I will succeed. I've challenged myself. To keep going. Try and keep your head up to the sky. I am. Each and everyday. My Uncle Will is up there, making sure I never feel alone.  Lovers, or rather, the people I love, may make me cry, but they are worth every tear.  And Ashley, I've shed so many for you. I've gotten better about releasing my fears. Fears of failure, of not granting this wish. Fear of rejection, of Ashley never revealing herself, even if just to say she's ok and would like to be left alone. Fear of success. Will I believe it when I've done it? Stand up and be counted, don't be ashamed to cry. Well I have a bunch of reporters who can confirm I've done just that...

So for 2010 I'm working on the next part: being bad, bold, wise. Being hard, tough, stronger. Being cool, being calm and staying together. Because I love my cousin. And I have to believe that love will bring this story to its rightful end. Whatever end that may be.

I know that for me, I gotta be able to balance this search with the other opportunities life has opened for me. It has taken some time. Lots of stress. Lots of sleepless nights. But I'm getting there. And for me, that means now balancing this search with an international adventure. I'm being bad (my mother wants to strangle me) and bold (I've even scared myself) by making the decision to go to Ghana for 5 weeks, leaving on the 29th. Will that be a wise decision? Seems we'll find out, but I'll take you all along with me.

My going abroad doesn't mean I'm abandoning this project. Trust I'll be A Wish for Ashley-ing for as many hours in Ghana as I pull here in Cambridge. My going abroad does mean I'm trying to embrace some of the values I sang in 1995 to my cousin.

Ashley, you have no idea. But you've inspired me to be a much better version of myself. Do you continue to inspire everyone you touch? I think you do... wow, I miss you.

With love (and patience. One of these days...),
Audra






 


Comments

Boyfir
01/13/2010 09:27

Reply



Leave a Reply